June 11th, 2020

Pandemic Diary: May 21 to June 1

Day 70: We tried a brief physically distant visit with Brandon McFarlane and Hilary June Hart at lunch in a park today–it was great! Friends are the best! It was a little awkward trying to stay apart and wearing a mask and everything, but really nice. Also, this very weird thing happened: we were sitting on a low rock wall with the requisite six feet between us, so taking up a lot of space, but there was still a lot of wall leftover. A kid of perhaps 9 or 10, all but engulfed from forehead to hips in a grey cammo hoodie and riding and then carrying a scooter, climbed up on the wall behind B&H–facing me, but sort of glowering over them from behind. I motioned that we should get up because–well, it seemed best, and none of us was really in love with the rock wall (which turned out to have been quite dirty) anyway. The adults responsible for the kid saw us scoot away and called apologies after us, and then started remonstrating with the kid in another language. I felt bad, because while the moment had been undeniably weird, it was only a moment and kids have a hard enough time knowing how to be with strangers without being pulled out of society for two months. SO much remonstrating. Man, it must suck to be a kid right now. I mean, it sucks to be anyone in a pandemic but… Well, anyway, friends and parks–recommended!

(2)

Day 70: Yeah, gasp: 10 weeks. I went for another early morning walk downtown today because, as things open up, it won’t be as easy to do that, I figure. When I came out of my building, I saw two security guards talking with someone who was attempting to take off all his clothes and, indeed, had mainly done so already. They were having a low-voiced, reasonable conversation about it. About ten minutes later, walking towards Yonge and trying to change the music on my earphones, I was startled by someone bursting out of a building, yelling and sobbing. He seemed really upset, as if he just ended an argument with someone, but when I turned off my music to hear what he was saying, it was about supermodels. I passed the park by Sanctuary, which used to be part of my route to go see my mother, but I haven’t been through it in weeks because it is now occupied by a tent city. I saw a car with its window smashed–otherwise undamaged, it seemed to me, but it was hard to tell what had been taken.

It feels so important to look around and really see what is happening in our locked down city to those who can’t lock down, or can’t understand what is happening enough to do so, or both. I also saw a few people (more than last time) seemingly briskly setting out for work, a line-up at the Tim Hortons, a lilac tree about to bloom, and lots of quiet empty streets, of course, but overall, it felt like a tough city today. And honestly, I shrank from it a bit, cut the downtown part of my walk short and went over to Allen Gardens, where a few people were just waking up but by and large it was very peaceful. For a while a guy had set up a hammock in Allen Gardens and was living in it with his cat, but usually, that park is more a living room than a bedroom and this morning it was green and quiet.

(3)

Here is the news no one wants: an update on the TV show Station 19. For those–I assume, many–who don’t know, Station 19 is a newish (just two years old) spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy. While GA centred around both the personal lives of hospital staff and the seemingly limitless medical problems they encounter and try to solve, S19 is about the personal lives of firefighters and the…fires they try to put out. There is so much variation in medical drama–from lupus to a fractured spine to chronic fatigue to anxiety disorders to infertility to…you get the idea, but a fire is a fire. A few of the staff are also paramedics–I can’t quite get a handle on how many–so sometimes they have some minor medical dramas of their own, but mainly they fight fires. The show really really tries, but in order to be successful, firefighters need to be pretty quick and dull; to inject drama, the failure rate needs to be much much higher, and so on most episodes of S19 that I’ve seen someone dies. I think if they were a city crew here in Toronto, there would be an investigation of their mortality rate! In order to try to keep the drama up but not make the team look like incompetents, the writers usually have the characters who die trapped by something beyond the firefighters’ control. In the episodes I’ve seen, these things include a fallen filing cabinet, an MRI machine, a locked storage locker, and a bowling-alley pinsetter (that was my favourite). Not every episode but quite often, the trapped/dying person says something along the lines of, “It’s too late for me/I’m already done for/I’m as good as dead, so go ahead and leave me and save [blank]” with [blank] usually but not always being “those kids” (in the season finale, it was research mice that could have the cure for cancer encoded in their DNA!!)

And I’ve only covered the firefighting side–their personal lives are mess also. All of the pretty blond young women on the squad have profound issues with their fathers (this also happens on another firefighter show I watched, 991 Austin!–must be something about firefighters!) and everyone is extremely promiscuous. S19 is the TV equivalent of those rockets candy you get on Hallowe’en–junk, and not even good junk, but a sugar rush when there’s nothing else available, which is mainly how I feel lately. In case it’s not clear, I love this show!!!

Day 71: I’ve been working on some elementary school science lessons at my job (yes, between all the facebooking, I still do my job!) and I am finding it fascinating how relevant and important that stuff is right now. How to form a hypothesis, how test it, how to gather evidence to see if your hypothesis is working or not, how to form a new hypothesis. Covid-19 is a new disease and so many hypotheses are being tested and refined right now. Those who believe that just because the doctors and scientists don’t have all the right answers immediately means that they are making it all up could stand to go back to elementary school science and learn how its done. I mean, the process is terrifying, but it’s the only way it works.

It is day 72 of the lockdown, or seen another way, it is day 15 341 on Earth (yes, I looked up the leap years). And this is exactly how I feel–a brilliant answer but no question was asked…

Day 73: So yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I have to admit, I was sort of mopey on Friday when, after dinner, I realized there was nothing to do with my birthday eve but watch four hours of television and go to bed. We did watch Hustlers off of Mark Sampson‘s curated movie list, which was just great, and then a couple episodes of Never Have I Ever, also great–and not perhaps what Mark would have chosen for himself, so I appreciated the birthday forbearance.

On my birthday proper, I got my first ever breakfast in bed–somehow I missed out on this my whole life. It was lovely, but then we had to change the sheets–how do people eat pancakes and syrup while reclining and not get it everywhere? Anyway, Mark cleaned up the kitchen (during lockdown, dishes have become my most loathed chore) and I lounged around and then we set off for the park. We went to Riverside East, where there was tonnes of space for social distancing and everyone could a nice bubble for a picnic. Which we did! If you can get there, I recommend RE as a big big park with space for everyone. It’s not wildly accessible if you have mobility issues, though, because of the steep hills.

Anyway, we ate and read and hung out in the sun until everything in the cooler melted and then headed home for more lounging, calls, a distanced visit with fan, fancy dinner on the balcony, and zooming with friends. I did my once a year experiment with drinking Bellinis (as most people know, I never got the hang of alcohol and don’t actually drink) and ended up collapsed across Mark’s lap by 9:30.

So yeah–24 hours of celebration, and I feel lucky to have been able to have it. Thanks for all the FB messages, the texts and calls and zooms and cards, my friends–now more than ever, I appreciate being part of your fine community.

(2) Oh, my goodness, I almost forgot the actual best part of my birthday. We were sitting eating our picnic, which was basically bread and fancy cheese, and oranges, and TimTams that melted in the sun. And saying how people talk about cheese the way they do about bands, and everyone wants their favourite to be the one no one else has heard of–the more obscure and hard to find, the better. And then right as we’re closing out that conversational avenue, Mark Sampson throws in, “And Brie is Coldplay.”

Day 75: I’m sad about this. I’m not savvy enough to understand the business decision here–I hope it’s a great one–but on the ground it will mean not seeing half my colleagues anymore, and probably other things will change I have not thought of yet. Of course, now I see no one and am here alone with the jackhammers, so my ability to process is limited. https://www.theglobeandmail.com/business/article-top-hat-buys-nelson-educations-university-textbook-division/?fbclid=IwAR2wFCni13qMRkc2MGDxzATFbVRLBnaE_5M8rHT7afKceBhBCjolNzubOTU

(2) Today was the original pub date of Mark Sampson‘s new novel, All the Animals on Earth from Wolsak and Wynn Publishers. It is being postponed until the fall, wise considering the state of the world, but still available for pre-order in all the usual fashions. Such a great book, it’ll be worth the wait! 

(3) I admit to some envy of the #todaysoffice people not subjected to nonstop jackhammers, but #tonightsoffice is pretty sweet and relatively quiet. #stillworking

Day 76: a sub-isolation within the original isolation: due to heat and noise from jackhammers, I can’t work in my office anymore so I’m sealed in the bedroom where the air conditioner both cools and is loud enough to drown out the rapture. Working on the bed introduces new distractions though. #pandemiclife #wfh #catsofinstagram

(2)

Tonight around twilight, I was wandering in Rosedale chatting with my mom on the phone when I saw a little kid, perhaps 3, coming down a driveway solo, slurping a freezie. I paused to watch since he was alone, and sure enough, he came right to the edge of the road. I shook my head at him–usually kids are intimidated enough by disapproval from a stranger. But he stepped down into the street!
RR: Oh, no, don’t do that!
Mominator: What’s wrong? Are you ok?
Kid (walks across the street)
RR: Oh, just this little kid, wandering in traffic.
Mom: WHAT?
Kid (totally blasé)
RR: Well, it’s Rosedale, there’s not much traffic, but he’s in the street.
Mom: Where are his parents?
Kid (heads down the sidewalk away from RR)
RR: I don’t know, there’s nobody. I’ll ask him where they…nope, pandemic, can’t talk to strange kids.
Mom: You can’t leave him all alone.
RR: Oh, he’s headed towards some women coming the other way, maybe these are his people.
Mom: Oh good.
RR: Uh-uh, walked right past him. And they didn’t seem weirded out by lone three-year-old out for a stroll. Rosedale is weird.
Mom: …
RR: Well, I’ll just follow him and make sure he doesn’t get kidnapped, maybe he knows where he’s going…??
Mom: Ok, you watch him.
RR: Oh, no, he noticed me, now he’s afraid of ME. I am a toddler stalker. I need to drop back more.
Mom: Don’t lose him.
RR: I lost him.
Mom: oh no!
RR: He went into one of these yards…Oh, there he is…he found some women, they seem glad to see him…
Mom: Is he glad to see them?
RR: Seems to be–ok, they’re looking at me, I guess I peace out now.

What IS Rosedale? I mean, I’m not a parent, there’s much I don’t know, but surely most people in most neighbourhoods wouldn’t tell a kid that young to cross the street and walk half a block alone if they got lonely…would they?

Day 77: 11 weeks, my friends–omg. Part of me wants to stop doing this count and give into the “is it Wednesday?” oblivion I see going around but this way, every day is at least an accomplishment when it ends. I also live with someone who has worn a watch and collared shirt and followed his workday schedule exactly throughout the pandemic, so I am being a little careful about how thoroughly I disintegrate. I have also started a 30 days of yoga challenge, which will give me something ELSE to count. This morning was day two. The yoga mat I bought way back at the beginning of the lockdown was a real good choice–I’m getting a lot of use out of it. I chose to buy it from Lululemon even though they’re a big conglomerate, because they kept their retail staff on the payroll even when they sent them home and closed the stores to keep them safe. I feel good about that, and it’s a nice mat (purple), plus I’m enjoying the yoga. I think the 30-day thing will be some nice added structure, although I’m a bit worried that the first few days are supposed to be the easy ones and then it gets harder. I haven’t found it that easy…

Day 78: How’s your pandemic fashion game? I ask because, since it got too hot in my home for slippers, I’ve started wearing a pair of pink flipflops I got at Laura Smith‘s bachelorette in 2006 as my daily footwear (they used to have the date written on them, but it’s long since worn off). They *almost* make sense with my blue-jean leggings mail-ordered at the beginning of the pandemic and burgundy cotton sundress–probably if you met me quickly, you wouldn’t guess I’m on day 78 of a pandemic, though probably you would be too, and thus we wouldn’t meet. I’ve also been getting a lot of wear out of a headband I was given as part of my uniform when I took ballet lessons in kindergarten. TGIFF. Tonight I’m going to watch the new Hannah Gadsby special and eat tahini cookies…oh, god, it’s raining. Yesterday I just took my lunch walk in the rain and got soaked, but I’m not sure I want to do that again. The jackhammer guys now also have a blowtorch–cool sparks. But also I still don’t like the jackhammer guys. Are these updates starting to take on a second-grade declarative cast? Oh no. Oh no everything.

(2) Hi I made tahini #cookies using beet tahini. Feel free to throw around the word #genius #prettyinpink

(3) Mark just called Hannah Gadsby “Kimmy Gibbler” and I don’t know what to do.

Day 79 is the #notanotherblacklife protest in Toronto. I’m in awe of the organizers and those attending today, and desperately sad about the need for it. I won’t be attending today–I’ve found street actions overwhelming at the best of times and I can’t imagine attending alone today and trying to keep proper distance from everyone, after not going anywhere but quick errands or the park for 79 days. I feel guilty about making the choice–it is certainly a choice–not to go, but this post isn’t *just* guilt vomit. I usually give money when I am not showing up where I feel I should actually be, and I did that today, contributing a little bit to the legal fund for #JusticeForRegis Korchinski Paquet. I’m sure the little bit I gave isn’t going to do much, but the point for me is to do something rather than nothing, to feel implicated. It is easy to feel helpless–I often do–but this is my city too and I owe it whatever I can manage to push for what I believe is right. I’ll put the link to the gofundme I gave to, in case anyone is interested, though there are certainly many worthy ones.

Day 80: I have a moderate green thumb–in general, I like to grow things, and if you give me a plant, the plant will probably live, and maybe flourish, although occasionally things do go wrong. Like most work involving care, gardening mainly involves paying attention and putting in the time/energy–watch a plant and you’ll learn when it needs to be watered/weeded/pruned/moved–and then you do it. I’m actually way weaker on the facts of gardening–what things are called, what fertilizers could be applied to the soil when, what temperature ranges allow you to plant what where–than the process of the labour and the care, because I just learned by watching my dad (and being ordered around by him). He in turn, learned to garden by trial and error, and also didn’t necessarily know what things were called or why they worked when they did–he just paid attention, and adjusted to the facts on the ground. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately, probably because the pandemic has given me (and a lot of people, yeah?) the time to really stare at my plants every day and see how they are doing and adjust and care accordingly. Currently, they are doing amazing. He would be pleased.

Day 81: Time is meaningless but I think I’ve watched enough TV to do another post updating on that…

Douglas: This is Hannah Gadsby’s latest comedy special, the follow-up to her breakout Nanette, and definitely the best thing i’ve watched in a while. It doesn’t go as dark as Nanette, but it’s definitely as smart and it’s very funny. At the beginning it’s clever but not brilliant and if you’re comparing to the *end* of Nanette, you might be a little disappointed, but remember–Gadsby *builds*. She takes her time. It all comes together at the end!

The Half of It: I’ve already posted about this, but it’s a great great film about friendship among awkward teens in a small town. Funny and a bit different than anything I’ve seen before.

Hustlers: A really fun (and a teensy bit poignant) movie about friendship among strippers who develop a complicated con to keep themselves afloat post 2008. Stars Jennifer Lopez at her most charming–the movie is sort of about how she draws everyone in and makes them like her, and it’s very effective because I definitely would have died for Jennifer Lopez at certain points in the film. The actor you’re trying so hard to place is Julia Stiles. All around delightful.

Greenburg: A film about a middle-aged failed musician-turned-carpenter who manipulates his brother’s vulnerable young assistant into driving him places and sleeping with him. Tedious and irritating, although not without its verisimilitude–I definitely remember men who preyed on my friends like this when we were younger. But the extremes of the plot, and the possibility that Greenburg might be an interesting person worth exploring, kept ringing false. I gave up before the end and keep trying to talk myself into watching the last twenty minutes in case it gets better. Stars Ben Stiller, whom I like, but the movies he’s in are usually bad.

Never Have I Ever: Charming TV show about a tenth grader dealing with the death of her father, her desire to break free of her Indian immigrant community/family, and various high-school drama. I think it’s the most popular thing streaming right now and with good reason. I was upset when there were no more episodes. It was nice to be watching the zeitgeist too! I did have quibbles with some of the minor characters and, oddly, the costume design, including the world’s least-believable pair of coloured contacts.

Derry Girls: I think everyone in the universe watched this BBC sitcom about the Irish Troubles in the 1990s from the POV of teen girls months ago, but we just finished and loved it. My favourite character is Orla.

The End of the F**king World: another British show, this one much darker, about two neglected teenagers who run away together and get into a lot of trouble. One of them thinks he is a psychopath. It’s wildly implausible and very sad, but for whatever reason the dark humour is working for me. We’re only a few episodes in.

Sex Education: Another show about British teenagers, one of whom has a sex therapist mom. We watched one episode, I almost died of proxy embarrassment, and that was the end of that. I can’t tell if there are just a lot of TV shows about teenagers right now or I’m just interested in watching a lot of TV shows about teenagers right now. Either way, this one didn’t pan out.

The Simpsons, seasons 18 and now 19: This is not quality programming but most if it isn’t downright ghastly (some of it is) and if you grew up with The Simpsons as a joyful treat and are going through a tough time right now because pandemic, just having these characters on your screen can be soothing.

It was Christine Enright Gilbert who reminded me that seasons of shows are off-kilter right now because actors can’t be in the studio shooting together because pandemic, so when we run out of episodes of something, there might not be any more for a long while. And, conceivably, since I hate so many shows (we started Normal People a couple days ago and it’s looking bad) I might RUN OUT OF TV ENTIRELY. Time to panic? MAYBE.