January 6th, 2021

Pandemic Diary: July 3 to July 13

Day 113: I really oscillate between trying to focus on the good I see in others and the good I can do myself and just being overwhelmed by how much isn’t good right now. Even if things are largely ok for me (eh), it’s hard to see others struggle. Yesterday a young woman turned to Mark Sampson in the elevator and just started weeping. He asked her if she wanted to talk and she did, so they got off on a floor and talked for a bit, and then he came home. It took me a long time to understand the story–I kept asking where she lived, what is her name, when would he see her again, what she needed him to do. I’m all about the action items! It turned out it was really just one of those moments when someone is falling apart and they just need someone to be kind to them. I’m so glad Mark was there and that he is kind–the right person to ask. But I worry about all the other people out there, crying in their own elevators (probably a metaphor) and will they find anyone to talk to? Take care out there, friends.

Day 114: Very hot and largely immobile here, but I have had two experiences since last we spoke. 1) Finally saw Hamilton, via Disney+, on the very day my Mirvish refund came through. I would have preferred to see it live, and after years and years of hearing how great it was, the show was a little overhyped for me, but it’s still very very good and I’m glad Disney brought it to home viewers to cheer us up in the pandemic. Lafayette was my favourite character and probably The Room Where It Happens was my favourite song but I’m guessing I’ll wind up buying the soundtrack so that opinion will develop. Also the show seems to assume a command of American history I just don’t have–it was like one unit for me in high school–and I got confused a bit, but also learned a lot. 2) I went to the Brickworks farmers’ market for the first time this year this morning. When I heard it had reopened, I wanted to just go, but when I read about how much they were limiting people inside and all their procedures (it’s really wonderfully well organized and careful) I realized it wouldn’t be fun the way it used to be–plus a long lineup in the sun–so I ordered the “farm in a box” instead. You just order and pay online and get a pickup window to get it–there was no line when we went so it was just one moment of asking for and retrieving the box and that’s all. So we got the pleasant (hot) walk through the ravine and some cool, if random, things from the market–they just do a selection of what’s fresh every week–and got to support the farmers without a lot of contact or waiting. If you are curious, here is what we got in the regular produce box, which is $50:–three kinds of greens, two salad, one cooking from the looks of it–a variety pack of onions–a variety pack of beets–a bunch of carrots, mainly orange, a couple yellow–about 10 apples (last year’s, I guess, but I had one at lunch and it was good)–some very fancy looking mushrooms–garlic scapes!–two bulbs of actual garlic–a big loaf of French breadYou can upgrade to a bigger box of produce for another $30 but instead we paid $30 for a “dairy” add-on, which turned out to be three kinds of cheese, which was a little less exciting but still nice. We def won’t be doing this every week but it’s a nice treat for once in a while!

Day 115: Friends, I saw my mom! I started lockdown on March 13 and she was supposed to come over for dinner on March 14, so that was the first loss for me…115 days later, after most of our interactions being on the phone or on Skype, and few being me yelling up at her balcony and scaring passersby, me and my brother wore masks and sat with her outside her building and chatted for half an hour and it wasn’t too scary… If it wasn’t for us sitting weirdly far from each other, and the masks, and the looming sense of terror, and the lack of food or drink, it was sort of like something we would have done previously. Yay, Mom! If you know her, she’s still about the same…The other thing I did today was go to FreshCO, which I was excited about since Mark and i alternate weeks of grocery shopping, and groceries and the drug store are our only real indoor errands, this was my only opportunity of the heat wave to experience the delicious refrigeration of industrial air conditioning. It was indeed nice and cool in there, but the pleasure was sort of ruined because FreshCO has given up on all their pandemic precautions for some reason…? At first I thought there was just no line outside because there weren’t enough people but then I realized they just weren’t monitoring it anymore…by then I was inside and was trying to make the best of it. It wasn’t really that busy and most of the customers were masked and being very careful and polite (except for the unmasked woman angrily touching every tomato??) but very few of the staff were wearing masks??? It’s weird that FreshCO, a store that’s been really good to deal with throughout the pandemic, chose to get worse after the mask law came in. I’d say customers at about 80% masks, staff at about 40%, so it must be a bring-your-own policy (they all had different ones). The staff was not in a good mood either, and the cashier snapped at me when I tried to follow the social-distancing policy that was in effect two weeks ago when I was there last (don’t move to the cash until the person ahead has left–I still waited). You know when you see a whole group of people in a bad mood, it’s management treating them badly. I feel bad for the staff there, who deserve better but anyway we can’t go there anymore–there are less convenient, more expensive stores that we have access to but others maybe don’t, so we can leave FreshCo a little emptier for those who have no choice. Urrrgh. Or maybe the store management will wise up??? Have other people been seeing this in stores?? I thought if there was a law…????

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What we talked about at dinner tonight, pandemic+heat wave edition:–the books we are both reading, and what the characters have gotten up to since last we checked in on our respective reading–so, it’s still hot, I guess–the food we are eating, how it tastes, how it was made, other ways it could have been made, ways it could have been better, what we like about it, was turning on the oven worth it–my need for yoga mat cleaner, whether that is a lie the internet told me, my plan to make it myself, the trouble and expense of getting the ingredients, the trouble with getting the pre-made kind, the kind I finally found for a reasonable price, the other things I bought to make up the free-shipping minimum, will those things be enjoyable–hey, it’s the 7:30 cheer, it’s pretty lacklustre, are people just hot or losing interest, this has been going on a long time, remember when we were so happy to hear it at first, also: who oooo–me apologizing for the yoga-mat-cleaner story, which was actually even longer than the above makes it out to be–reminiscing about yesterday, when we had (distanced) dinner with other people

Day 116: My *Once* poster fell off the wall–*Once* my first book from Biblioasis with the gorgeous cover art by Marta Chudolinska, not the Irish musical. It’s the foam-board poster from the Pages window display that was up the week before my This Is Not a Reading Series book launch–remember Pages? Remember TINaRS? Remember book launches that happened in rooms with other people? Pages generously gave me all the posters from the display after it got taken down and I still have a little one and a big one, because why not–how many times will I have a window display for my work, or such an amazing cover, or a book at all? I’m trying to not to take it as a sign for my career that it fell off the wall–just the heat drying out the adhesive in the hook thingy… I put it back up with rolled up pieces of packing tape, because I’m that kind of class act. It is important to remember, as I sit here in trapped in my office in the heat and the jackhammers (they’re back!) that magical things have happened before and could again. I remember Brandon McFarlane trying to send me a photo of the Pages display when he stumbled across it but I couldn’t really make it out and no one had told me that was going to happen and I was just so baffled and I eventually went down to Queen Street to see what was going on (remember just going places at random??) and oooohhh…

(2) My cats were melting into fuzzy puddles so I dragged them into the one air-conditioned room with me and now they are furious that I trampled on their freedom. Would my cats be…anti-maskers?

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Even though I’m pretty old, I’m reasonably adept at sorting out technology–42 is “digital immigrant” status since I made it to about 14 without the internet but I have acclimated relatively well. Except I lived with my music on shuffle for the past 3 years and could never get it to stop doing that and figured that would just be my life now. I just complained about it to Mark for the first time because the Hamilton soundtrack doesn’t make any sense on shuffle, and his first question was…did you google it? No, no I did not. And I can’t even say because I’m 42 since Mark is older than me. Anyway, he googled it and it’s not on shuffle anymore.This has be been both helpful and humbling.

Day 117: When I was in university, one of my roommates (the commerce student) observed that we used up our toilet paper more during exam periods. It took a minute but we realized, of course, we were home more–not going to class, parties, or bars, not hanging out with friends except for study dates–if we weren’t at the library or an actual exam, we were home, studying and using our own toilet. Hence the additional paper costs. It’s a strange little lesson that has stuck with me, never more so than during the pandemic–going places allows us to take advantage of some of their overhead costs. By not working in an office, sure, I’m saving money on my transit pass, but let’s be real, I wasn’t spending that much on nice office clothes and I brought my lunch almost every day. Occasionally I went out for lunch with colleague-friends (and that is a savings I would obliterate in a heartbeat if I could lunch with those folks again) and I did buy drinks and snacks at the office sometimes–all my grocery store/homemade meals and snacks are indeed cheaper than those treats, but only slightly cheaper (I am not a snack spendthrift) and far less fun. On the downside, I am losing out on access to office climate control (oh, how I miss it this week!), super-fast wifi, filtered water, ergonomic (somewhat) desk, printer/photocopier, lightbulbs, and of course, toilet paper. I’m doing free yoga with Adriene (into another 30 days–today was #3) instead of paying for occasional classes at the office), but I still bought a modest baby shower gift for a pregnant colleague. I have unlimited wifi at home and I’m nowhere near my long-distance limit… On the whole, I’ve probably saved a bit of money each month of the pandemic, most of it on the transit pass and snacks, but at what cost emotionally?? I miss my colleagues. Hell, I miss my university roommates.

(2) Tonight: I made scape pesto from our farmers’ market box. As I was making it, I called my mom to arrange to drop off her stuff from the drug store and offered her a little pesto–I thought it would be a fun treat since scapes are so hard to get. Except it didn’t turn out that great. I was very sweaty when I turned up at my mom’s and we tried to enjoy the rare pleasure of talking to each other but were both having trouble hearing/speaking in our masks/standing beside traffic. I was MUCH sweatier when I got home, and excited to see Mark just turning on the air conditioner. I sat down to wait for this to happen…and a fuse blew, which had never happened in the nine years we’ve lived in this apartment. Mark tried to fix it for a while and I sank into sweaty despair–the wifi was out, all the rooms where a person could conceivably sleep had no power for fans…doom doom doom. Finally Mark called the after-hours super and I…took a bath… I’m not proud of this but I was just so hot and I figured the super would take hours. He came about ten minutes later and showed Mark where the spare fuses were (inside the box!)…did anyone ever tell us that? I had to hide in the bathroom since I hadn’t even been clever enough to bring clothes in there with me. This evening was a real low-point and we will be charged $35 for it, but for now everything is ok and the blessed blankness of unconsciousness awaits…

Day 118: I think you have seen the last post from me ranting about masks. I think people should wear them, I think those who protest are ridiculous and harmful, but I also think I have maybe gotten a wee bit obsessive about this one small measure against a sea of chaos. I’ve been really struggling with my vision of society as a strong fabric and myself as a bright stitch and perhaps perhaps I overidentified that struggle with the masks a little. I don’t know that that’s a bad idea, but it’s not going to save the world exactly and I need to calm down…PS–it is raining, and although that hasn’t made anything cooler YET it does seem hopeful and also is just something new to look at and also I can open my curtains for the first time in a couple days.

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I was talking to Mark Sampson while he was taking vitamins (I wasn’t done making a point so I followed him)…RR: Are you you chewing the non-chewable ones?MS: These are chewable! (reads package) Well, it doesn’t *say* chewable but it’s lying.RR: Really?MS (picks up other vitamins)RR: And those–MS: These aren’t chewable, yes, I know. I figured that out last night.RR: What? You tried to–MS: I tried to eat one and realized, whoa, these aren’t chewable. (puts vitamin in mouth, pours water)RR: But we had a conversation about this before! I specifically told you I didn’t get the chewable Ds…how could you make that mistake?MS (starts to laugh, spits out water) Don’t make me laugh. (swallows) I was just checking…or I forgot…

It’s day 119, end of week 17 today, and very very hot so of course I have turned on the oven–let’s not talk about it. Since I’m getting ever closer to having told Facebook all my secrets, did you know that I’m into astrology? I’m not REALLY into astrology–if you tell me something from my star chart that I don’t believe, I’ll shrug it off, but if you tell me something that I DO believe, I’ll accept it into the core of my belief system forever because I’m a cuspal Gemini and of COURSE. I actually co-wrote horoscope column in my high school paper for a while, with a friend who actually knew where the stars were–that was a good time. There’s been a meme going around where you need to know your moon sign and rising sign, which I never knew, but now I do, but have lost track of the meme, so here I am, sharing it with you fine folks. I’m a Sagittarius moon–moon signs are apparently one’s private nature, as opposed to sun signs, which are the face one shows to the world (and gets written up in the newspaper zodiac column. Sag moons are optimistic and light-hearted, and like to travel and have their own space–yes, this is all correct. My rising sign is Cancer, which is a sensitive and kind but wary and somewhat closed off. Rising signs are first impression, physical appearances and mannerisms. I think it’s accurate–I think I come across as very shy and reserved when you first meet me, and forever if I’m afraid of you, but I’m pretty forthright and talky once I feel comfortable (especially if I can write instead of speak!)The thing I like about astrology is available to us in a variety of ways, of course. It’s a chance to think about a lot of small aspects of our personalities and how they all work and how they would or wouldn’t work best and really interrogate the self. It’s an interesting angle to come at it from, is how I look at it.

Day 120: Hello, it is one million degrees at casa del Sampsonblum and everyone has had it with everything. A cat was complaining I wasn’t getting his breakfast fast enough, and in between complaints he had to lie down. I feel him, as i had been awake for perhaps 20 minutes at that point and also wished to lie down. My 30-day meditation challenge has ended, and it turns out I am very bad at meditation, and did not seem to get better at it in the course of the 30 days. I love thinking! The problem with adulthood is that no one forces us to do the things we are bad at, when those are exactly the things we would benefit from doing more of–I could probably really use more meditation in my life, but will I do it? TBD but it’s not looking great. On the other hand, today is day 6 of my second 30-day yoga challenge and that’s going pretty good, although Adriene’s hair is dyed a new colour in this one and I keep thinking about that for some reason. Also the yoga-mat cleaner came yesterday and I tried it after today’s workout–seems nice, although the real test will be my next workout, when I’m lying on the mat and can smell it and see if it drives me nuts or not. FYI, in the end i bought an all-purpose all-natural cleaner that said it could be used on yoga mats and it was much cheaper than the yoga-specific brands, which is usually the way.I am finding it hard to get things done due to heat and pandemic and general stress levels, but there are some things I actually WANT to do. These are 1) yoga 2) cook/bake (I took a break but am back now) 3) tend to my plants 4) read (I took a LONG break but am back 5) talk to people on facebook 6) occasional phone and zoom (I love it in moderation but have to be careful because I get so tired) 7) harass the catsThings I do not really want to do include TV (though I’m willing to try again), go for walks (too hot), read the news (obvi), or do much in the way of creative work. This is sad to me, as those (except news) are some of my favourite things normally.What do you want to do, given your druthers (if druthers are available to you)?

Day 121: It is moderately cooler after last night’s rain, to the point where I ate breakfast on the balcony and felt ok about it. After cleaning the apartment–and, like, I didn’t really put my all into or anything, since we are definitely not having company–I am drenched in sweat. Checked to see if the air-quality alert had lifted, as it is definitely bothering my lungs, and times of a respiratory virus is not the times you want anything bothering your lungs. Now the advisory on the Enviro Can website is for tornados. Amazing. If you could promise me no one and nothing of value would get hurt, I would actually like to see a tornado someday, but since no one is in a position to make such promises, I guess if a tornado approaches I will have to hide. Disappointing.Alice has been making some cautious overtures towards the air conditioner. It’s interesting to see her tiny brain grinding towards her own best interest but she is getting there. Efforts to help are met with panic and fury; she’s got to do it on her own. If you haven’t had the privilege of meeting Alice, she is 8 years old and weighs 6 pounds, largely eyes and whichever organ is responsible for purrs.

Day 122: Spent the day up north with family, delighted to get the chance to hang out and chat and eat and SWIM. Can’t think if I’ve ever swum in Georgian Bay before but it was warm and very wavy and amazing. I was very happy.On the way home, Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” came on the radio (we had a really bad hand of radio songs dealt to us and that was one of the few winners) and Mark Sampson commented that the lyrics seemed a little harsh to him, so there’s something I know about Mark now that I didn’t know before. I was so impressed by *Hamilton* I looked up what Lin Manuel Miranda is doing next and it’s…writing songs for the *Little Mermaid* reboot?? I admit I haven’t seen the first Disney film, though I did read the Hans Christian Andersen original story, which is pretty dark, and I just don’t know why anyone wants a film version of it, let alone two. I asked my 5yo niece if maybe she’d want to see it, thinking if she did I could take her and that would be a fun post-pandemic experience for us, but she wasn’t that interested either. Who is the target audience for Lin Manuel Miranda’s Mermaid movie?? The upstairs neighbours seem to have acquired a bass guitar that they don’t know how to play and I’m sort of here for it. Go, ceiling friends, go. Your confidence is inspiring! This week is shaping up to be a zoo at work but I have Thursday and Friday off, after no real vacation days since March, so I figure I will be fine for three days. I hope you are also going to be fine this week, and onwards, friends.

Day 123: It is funny how the subconscious will continue to work on a problem absent any new inputs or even conscious knowledge that there is a problem. Several times in my life, there’s been a food I didn’t like, and I haven’t seen or thought about it for years, and then one day I thought, “I should try that food again, I bet I like it now!” and I was right! The mind, and tastebuds, evolve.The pandemic has for some reason given my subconscious free range to revisit incidents from my past with new awareness and let me know it was me that made it awkward and, in some cases, me who was unkind. This is surprising! It’s not that I don’t think I’m ever the problem–more that I think I generally notice and apologize. But not necessarily! Sigh…Once at an event I hosted, people were chatting about their lives, and then someone interrupted to say she couldn’t understand our conversation because she’d never had the house and the yard, the dishwasher and the garage-door opener, her life had been completely different from all that and she couldn’t relate at all. It was a very strange moment because we were in my home and, as many of you might know, I live in an apartment in St. James Town and don’t have a dishwasher or garage-door opener either. I suppose there might have been someone in the group who had the life of modest suburban amenities she was describing, but I can’t think who it would have been and in any case, it didn’t really affect what we were chatting about. Or at least, at the time I didn’t think it did. There was a strained silence and then conversation just went on.I felt weird about that conversation for years. Somewhere in the heatwave as I was furiously washing dishes by hand in cold water and feeling that life had failed me, my subconscious announced, “She was saying she didn’t feel included in the conversation, you idiot. It was a practiced monologue she pulled up quickly from another time, but her point was you weren’t including her and she wanted to be included. But you still didn’t. You’re a dick.” Well. That was humbling. I hope I can do better if I can ever be allowed in company again. Or if I ever see that person again; we’ve lost touch since, and I just hope she’s doing ok in the pandemic, wherever she is.That revelation actually came to me last week but there was another worse one from teen-hood that came to me as I was falling asleep last night that I’m not even going to share due to shame (and, as you may have noticed, it takes a lot for me). It’s not even that I behaved so badly–though I did–it’s that I didn’t notice.I don’t suppose anyone else is taking the opportunity of being unable to be around people examine all the ways they’ve failed to merit the privilege of being around people in the first place ? No, just me?

(2) It was too hot to walk to the public #raspberry bush last week but I made it today! The berries maybe aren’t as robust as they would’ve been without the heatwave, but they tasted good. Exactly half the bush was picked clean by some thorough but fair minded person. I ate a handful from the other half—plenty left if you are in a berry-picking mood. #urbanforaging #summer #pandemicwalks

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I kept meaning to post this list of things you can do for your cats in a heatwave and now the heatwave is over. Sadly, given the state of the climate, there will probably be another. Notes: this is mainly anecdotal, given cats I know, but I do read up and even if this stuff doesn’t work on your particular cat, it should all be safe. Also, many things apply to both cats and dogs but most of this does not, as far as I know.How to help a hot cat:–brush them–cats shed more when they are hot and brushing off the loose fur lightens the load. Even if it isn’t a significant enough amount of fur to make them cooler, it’ll keep them from grooming it off, getting a hairball and puking, which isn’t fun for either of you in a heatwave (or ever).–change their water dishes frequently. Cats don’t really love drinking water for some reason, and have interesting ideas about what makes water “good”–freshness is big. You could also try moving their water away from their food (they apparently worry about cross-contamination), putting ice cubes in it, or just letting them drink from a tap turned on very slightly. There are also actual cat water fountains you can buy (my cats had one, adored it, and destroyed it, so…yeah).–if your cats get wet food as an occasional treat, heatwaves are good time to get it out. I wouldn’t introduce a brand new food when the cat is already stressed by being hot, though, as some cats get sick from new food formulations and no one wants to clean up cat puke in 41 degree heat.–if you are seriously worried about cat dehydration, or just want to give them a treat, you can try a product called “Cat Milk” that Whiskas makes (it’s in the cat food aisle at the grocery store) (don’t give regular milk unless you already know your cat can tolerate it–see above concern about cat digestive health). Obvi, if you were really thirsty you wouldn’t want milk, but it helps a bit. Also the juice from a tuna or salmon can–this is salty so again, not super-hydrating, but if you’re very worried and trying to tempt a stubborn cat, it’s something.–sponge baths: you soak a washcloth in cold water, wring it out, then wipe down your cat. One cat of mine thinks this is the step below actual murder; one thinks it’s kind of pleasant and cooling. It only takes one try to figure out which type of cat you have. Also helps remove loose hair.–You can also freeze damp towels for them to lie on, or wrap towels around ice packs. My cats do not like this, but I have read about it.–My cats also hate fans and air conditioning but they like to lie outside if there is a breeze, so I don’t really know what that is about. I have given up trying to make them, because making a hot miserable cat also frightened that the air conditioner is going to eat him is not doing anyone any favours. –Indoor cats will sometimes go under furniture when they are hot, I think because their instincts tell them to get into shade in the heat (which is what my outdoor cat used to do). Unfortunately a very sick or injured cat will also hide, so if your cat is doing this for long periods in the heat, you’ll have to drag them out occasionally to check that they are ok. But this is the price we all pay for our love.