January 2nd, 2023

End/Begin

Enough people were on twitter denouncing folks’ end-of-year summaries as “bragging” if they were too positive that I was reminded that it might not be so terrible if that site just immolates. Of course, I’m not immune to reading some “I did many things in 2022” posts and feeling I didn’t do enough, or did the wrong things, but that’s a human feeling and not on others to correct for me. Or hey, if you have a solution, one that’s not hiding your own light under a bushel, I’d love to hear it.

In 2022, I had bed bugs twice; Covid; radical under employment; a new book contract; a trip to France to see a dear friend and also the Mediterranean Sea; far more hugs than in the previous two years; fascinating freelance; some over employment; a tonne of support and encouragement, some from quarters I never would have expected it from; some strange and surprising days when people I would have expected to support me or at least say something vaguely kind just didn’t; a really lovely summer; a very challenging time editing that new book; a pretty healthy family (now that the year is over I can say that without feeling it’s a jinx…right?); a wildly hard new job and deeply kind new colleagues; a gorgeous time standing up in a wedding for beautiful friends; a new commute I adore but that eats a lot of time; many migraines; work travel; so many great books and great shows and great movies and great songs. I felt, in 2022, I had the world again, a little bit.

I also found 2022 pretty hard, although as always I am writing in the mood of whatever just happened, and I found the holidays tricky and not as restful as usual this year, probably at least in part because I had to work the Christmas-to-New Year’s stretch for the first time in years, and had a bad migraine that week, all week (and currently, too).

I don’t think it’s poor form to admit things are hard, just like I don’t think it’s rude to say when things are great–even on twitter. In general, I find when someone asks how I am or how something has gone and I say “bad,” they appreciate the honesty or at least are hoping for an interesting story. But I also do sense a push towards framing even negative events in a positive package–“But you learned a lot for the future, right?” “But it’s funny in retrospect, right?” Sometimes… Sometimes I never learn a lesson or get the joke, or it was a lesson/joke I could have done happily without. It’s stressful not to be able to share something painful about my life until I have found the silver lining, but I think it might also be stressful to talk to me about things that have two sides to them but have me only look at the negative. Toxic positivity is a relatively new concept but the older one, toxic negativity, is very much alive and kicking. Both are problems.

My resolution this year is to look at the positive more in all aspects of life. You can probably tell in the above paragraph that I am not completely sold on this plan yet–but I am going to work on it.