January 9th, 2020

2019 in review, and 2020 in …preview?

This (now that, I suppose–I started writing this when it was still 2019, but now it isn’t) was a weird year. I liked it! It was challenging. I did not write as much as I wanted to, I didn’t travel much, I maybe saw fewer people than I wanted, but I also did more new things, more hard things than in many previous years, and also did more good for others and the world than I have in a while–and that was great for me ironically. You can sort of see me hinting at this plan to do more good and less navel-gazing in the second half of my birthday post. That’s what all the more awareness of death and the news, more willingness to own my privilege and try to give in accordance to what i know I have was about. What I meant was that I was going back to volunteer work, something I did seriously for years when I was younger and then stopped nearly cold turkey as I got into my thirties.

But I didn’t come right out and say what I wanted to do in the post, in case I wound up not doing it–I make a lot of resolutions and only follow through on a fraction–but then, I did! I started tentatively volunteering with a climate change activism group and it made me feel so. much. better. about things. I do believe the world is burning–it IS burning–and it makes me panic. But there are better things to do than panic and it makes me feel better to do them. It makes me feel hopeful. At least about myself and my capacity to grow and change, but also maybe about human beings and OUR capacity to grow and do more and help where help is needed–and save the world? Well yes–I am hopeful.

Also, in my forties, it’s just great and enlivening to do a new thing. I don’t mean to trivialize the act of fighting the climate crisis but if it can ALSO be a spur to be out in the world, having new experiences, meeting different kinds of people, putting different skills to use, so much the better. And I learned so much–so so much, in six month including, always, how much I have yet to learn. Intersectionality is just a word, until you try to actually intersect. I have long ways to go, but at least I’m going.

What else should a person who is very concerned about about how long the earth will be viable do but make the most of every single second I have here? This year I protested for the earth, I walked into traffic, I lay down in the street, but I also protested for trans rights, I marched in the women’s march in the freezing cold, I gave blood, I gave money to causes that are important to me, I bought less and thought hard about what I did buy, I thought about what I ate and wore and drove, I was SO awkward and weird when I spoke to so many people, but I also made an effort not to focus on how self-conscious I feel all f*cking time but to look around the room and see who else feels uncomfortable and talk to them. It didn’t always work–it sometimes worked.

I read a lot, but less than I have some other years. I started an Indigenous Authors bookclub at work, and it has really helped me to have a place to go to talk about this world of books I’m just starting to explore.

I screwed up a few times on work stuff and life stuff. I learned a long time ago that no excuse is as good as “I’m sorry”–that’s not a new lesson for me–but somehow, I still need to keep learning it.

We got rid of our car and I do miss it, despite not really needing a car or liking to drive.

Moving forward into 2020, which I keep calling “the year of perfect vision,” which is surprisingly not catching on…

I developed a serious punctuality problem in 2019–I’m not sure where that came from, as I’ve always been fairly punctual, but instead of analyzing it I’m just going to start getting up earlier every damn day and leaving the house earlier for most events.

I also had a tonne of dental problems in 2019, which the dentist said might be remedied by giving up my one vice, pop! Everyone is always cheerfully saying they will be enjoying their red wine and weed gummies but Diet Pepsi is the devil, which seems unfair. Nevertheless, fine, I’m going to try to titrate off pop again, although that hasn’t historically gone well. I’m just going back to coffee as a source of caffeine, so don’t get too excited.

In 2019, I invested too much time in people who aren’t very interested in me. There’s being nice–I always want to be nice–but I don’t have to expend energy trying to help folks remember to show up for stuff they’ve said they “want” to do but never show for. This is an endlessly hard lesson for me to learn. In 2020, I want to back off saying yes just because someone wants me to–or simply because I hate to say no–and concentrate more energy on the best people and projects.

I would like to write more, and in a more focused, systematic way. 2020 will be the 4th year of my creative life I spend on a project that still has no contract or editor, and no ending. If I can’t come to some conclusion about how to finish it by the end of the year, the problem is either me or the book, but either way, one of us has got to go.

I would like to finally send off my files to the archive that actually wants them, which is a huge honour that I have been ducking like a lunatic.

There’s probably more–there’s always more–but I’ll run away from the temptation to make this into a list of all my flaws and just say, I wish us all a healthy, happy, and adventurous 2020. Thanks for reading.