September 9th, 2018

How to plan an RR-style vacation

…in case you were feeling like you needed to.

1. Timeframe: forever, or as long as you like: occasionally look at maps or photos of a place or hear stories about it, and think you’d like to go there. Assume this constitutes a plan.

2. Timeframe: a year or possibly two. Begin telling people about your “plan” to go to this place. Maybe even say something dangerous about going “probably summer 2018.” When you run into people who have been to this place and they tell you about their experience, make a mental note of what they say. Assume this constitutes research.

3. Timeframe: a few months before you’d like to travel: One insane afternoon, look at all combinations of flights for all weeks in the entire summer to every city in the country of your heart’s desire. Become overwhelmed and hysterical, to the point where you shut down the computer and don’t even mention to your travelling companion that you’ve done this.

4. Timeframe: a few months before you’d like to travel: purchase one (1) guidebook. Read in its entirety, without taking any notes, as if it were a novel. Enjoy thoroughly.

5. Repeat week #3 weekly for several weeks, until you feel like you’ve got a grasp on things. Ask your travel companion to take a look with you and attempt to show the best option, only to find all the options have changed.

6. Timeframe: a few months before when you’d like to travel: ask your travelling companion to deal with the flight research.

7. Timeframe: When you’d actually like to be on your trip: go on a completely unrelated trip that didn’t require any planning. Have fun, but when you return, receive several excited questions about how your dream trip finally went and feel like you have failed.

8. Timeframe: A couple months before newly rescheduled trip: have fight with travelling companion about who does all the work of planning trips. Both of you, it turns out.

9. Timeframe: Month before newly rescheduled trip: travelling companion makes itinerary for trip but there are problems with it, makes alternative itinerary. Then you make a problematic itinerary and alternative itinerary. Also, start researching train schedules, repeat #3. Wonder how anyone ever goes anywhere.

10. Timeframe: a few weeks before newly rescheduled trip: reschedule trip again, attempt to book plane tickets in a fit of excitement, just as entering credit card number, recall potential work conflict that can’t be checked for a few days, collapse in despair.

11. Timeframe: a couple months before newly re-rescheduled trip: actually book plane tickets! Collapse in exhaustion.

12. Timeframe: a couple months before newly re-rescheduled trip: get asked several times if you’ve already gone on the trip you’ve been talking about for so long. Resolve never to talk about anything ever again.

13: Timeframe: month before re-rescheduled trip: book hotels. Find it so draining you can only do a few at a time.

This is actually as far as I’ve gotten. Tune in later for steps 14 through 25–book attractions, book trains, pack suitcase, arrive at airport 5 hours early!