January 7th, 2021

Pandemic Diary: July 14 to July 23

Day 124: I have never really liked to watch TV by myself. It wasn’t something we really did in my family growing up, both because the layout of the house made it hard not to hear the TV wherever you went and because my brother likes to curate and share shows–he’s a show-sharer, and I grew up thinking that’s how TV gets consumed. Thus when I moved out, I watched relatively little TV, only occasionally with my roommates or friends or dates who would invite me specifically to sit down and watch something because “you would like this.” I wasn’t interested in sitting down when other people were watching something and seeing if I liked it and then figuring out the backstory on my own–if someone else wasn’t guiding me into the show. why bother? I also watched SO MUCH tv in my first two decades I was ok with watching nearly none in the third. Then I met Mark and discovered tv is great for when you want to spend tonnes of time with someone but eventually run out of stuff to say. We also have closely aligned tastes and are willing to negotiate–we’ve watched a lot of great stuff together.Now, in the pandemic, would be a great time to be cultivating some modest TV independence, and I had started with terrible Mark-unfriendly shows like How to Get Away with Murder and that Station 19 show, but those ended and now I just don’t care about anything. If Mark isn’t sitting right beside me being annoyed by fidgeting, I will lose interest in everything in 20 minutes. He has a few shows he likes that I don’t and will simply sit for an hour and watch them by himself, which i find…unfathomable, but that is how tv is watched. My attention span is really shot, is what I am trying to say, but also I think tv is a social activity, which doesn’t make any sense. Anyway, this is why I haven’t watched more things in this time of over-abundant time and also why, when you recommend shows to me, you are also really recommending them to Mark, fyi.

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Today’s dialogue:RR: I think I’m going to try wearing all my makeup…that can be my next pandemic project.Mark Sampson: All at once?RR: No, over a long period. Like, try all the products and see what has gone off and should be got rid of.MS: I see. Sorry, was that a silly question?RR: Not as silly as it would have been 6 months ago, actually. I’m running out of ideas, so you never know.MS: Ah.RR: Can I put some mascara on you?MS: No.RR: !!!!MS: I’m going to work out–it would run.

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Further to this morning’s post, here’s some TV we’ve been watching around here, with recos and cautions:Normal People: We finished it because so many people loved it. I didn’t, though it did get better as it went on. It all seemed very far from what I knew at that age. At once point, 18-year-olds hold a dinner party in their nice flat and then, when it’s proposed they go out dancing after, the host says she’s “exhausted” and stays home and does the dishes. 18! Free on Gem. The Birth of a Family: This is a documentary about 4 siblings who were separated in infancy during the 60s Scoop, all adopted by different families. They finally got to all be together in the same room a few years ago. I watched it for my Indigenous Voices discussion group and really liked it. It doesn’t shy away from how dark what happened was, but it’s also just a gentle, sweet film about what appears to be a lovely group f people. Free on Gem. Community, season 6: Thanks, Christine Enright Gilbert for reminding me there was one more season of this show. It’s very very silly now and most of the cast has left (remember when this show included Chevy Chase, Donald Glover, and John Oliver?) but my favourite character, The Dean, remains, played by Jim Rash. The show no longer makes sense but it never really did, so it’s fine. Mark Sampson is tolerating this mainly because it’s almost over and because I’m willing to watch the next one… On Prime (although I believe the other seasons are on Netflix for some reason)The Simpsons, season 19: Pure nostalgia porn at this point, with the occasional zinger. We watch it when we’re too tired for actual good TV. On Disney+Hamilton: As good as I’d hoped, although very long. Disney+ is finally showing some value.The Politician: A wild California fantasy that is so far about a teenager running for class president but according to the trailers eventually gets into actual party politics. Desperately silly and impossible–he’s in grade 12 and already receiving university acceptances, so he’ll be president of what exactly–but I LOVE it. It’s all Broadway actors in it for some reason (plus Gwyneth Paltrow) and the acting is VERY BIG. Everyone’s supposed to be rich and the sets are gorgeous. Apparently if I keep watching long enough, Bette Midler will turn up. What’s not to like? Netflix.Hollywood: Another nonsense Netflix show in the same vein as The Politician but this one takes itself a bit too seriously. It’s about movie making in the 1940s in general and attempts to integrate the industry in particular and it all goes shockingly well despite the period and several of the characters having side-jobs as gigolos (I think that was honestly an attempt to titillate rather than any sort of metaphor). I think American TV likes to present racism as a problem already solved, taking place in a past era, so audiences can feel virtuous and also like no self-examination is necessary. If you can get past the moral lessons, the clothes are cool and the fantastical storyline occasionally integrates some pieces of true Hollywood arcana and it’s fun to figure out which is which. NetflixThe End of the F**king World: I still really like this show but it is heavy, so I only watch it when I’m feeling strong. Weird but emotionally affecting, and funny too. NetflixSpaceforce: I watched one episode and was on my phone for half of it. Only liked Lisa Kudrow, as the inexplicably jailed wife. Netflix

After 125 days of lockdown, I went to my office!! This is the longest I have ever been not there in the nearly 13 years I’ve worked at the company (in the usual way of things, my personnel file has me celebrating my 10-year anniversary last Saturday). I was very excited and meant to take photos but in the end it was frazzling and stressful and I took none. Here are impressions instead (this is very very inside baseball, and if you aren’t a Nelsonite or alum, you may wish to stop reading now) (upon further reflection, even if you do work at Nelson, you may not be all that interested in what I found on the floor of my office…??)–I was driving a borrowed car, and this was also my first time behind the wheel in a while and I expected to be super-anxious but was so happy to be back in Scarborough travelling the familiar route that I forgot to freak out!–the LRT is coming along! When last I saw it, there were grooved tracks in the intersections (like streetcar tracks) but now there are raised tracks everywhere else (like GO tracks) and even little signals in places. It’s still a construction zoo, but looks like…it could actually happen???–the parking lot was largely empty but there were perhaps 10-12 cars there, as the warehouse is still operating and some people have to come in for other stuff…–I had to call from the parking lot and a facilities staffer–R–came out to get me. We were both wearing masks. Then I went inside and there was a little cart set up with hand sani–I had just put some on but I used more to set my colleague at ease–and nitrile gloves, plus a sign-in sheet. VERY OFFICIAL.–In my department, some of the perms people were there! It was so exciting to see them and we were yelling but then I realized I was taking up someone’s time to escort me to my office so I had to say goodbye. –Everything looked the same except the lights were off. of course, everyone left thinking they’d be back pretty soon so nothing was boxed up or even tidied. It was like coming in real early on a Monday. There were some printouts on my desk someone probably left for me when I started lockdown slightly early owing to my TTC ridership.–I couldn’t the lights on, and my actual purpose in the office was to get the big monitor off my desk (finally!) and it plugged in in three different spots, so it was all very challenging. There was some concern about me taking such an expensive item away, but no concern about crawling around on the floor yanking cords in the dark.–While I was on the floor, I found my spare pair of office shoes. It was like winning the lottery, since my other shoes have taken the opportunity of the pandemic to disintegrate. I am down to a pair of flats from Zellers and a pair of sandals from Nine West to last the summer, both stores that no longer exist, both pairs of shoes that shed parts of themselves every time I wear them. This find was a 50% increase in shoes for me! I shoved them in my bag.–Other things I took from my office (I would have taken everything if I hadn’t been wasting someone else’s time): prescription drugs, two plants that were in surprisingly good shape (our VP has been watering them occasionally), a gift my niece wanted in February and now will likely be mystified by.–R got the lights on and I was finally able to disconnect the monitor from the tangle of other wires. It would not fit in the bag I brought for it and I couldn’t carry it with everything else, so R had to carry it–I felt like a gender stereotype. Also my office looked like it had been robbed by someone having a stroke and I longed to clean it up but we had to go!!!!–We lugged everything downstairs and I signed back out, then R put the monitor in my car and I hauled over the plants. Goodbye, Nelson–I don’t know when I’ll see you again!–I had meant to go berry-picking at a bush I know about near the office, but someone had scheduled a meeting!! So no berries. I did stop and get drive-thru, because I drive so seldom and it’s such a treat. It took a while but I got a 99 cent Frosty, which is in itself an icon of Scarborough summer to me, along with a relatively healthy salad from Wendy’s. –It took me two trips to get everything upstairs in the elevator. On the second time, I had the plants and I had to very carefully press my floor with my elbow. The guy in the elevator said, “Do you want me to do it for you? Oh, you did it!” I shrugged modestly and said, “I’ve been working on my moves.”–Mark is at work today and now we’ve had a day where we both went to work and when he gets home we can talk about it–wheeeee!

Day 128: Two days of Facebook silence from me–very unusual! I actually left town for a day and a half on the mini-est of minibreaks! Mark and I were trying to figure out when we’d last stayed away overnight anywhere–we were in Toronto for the December holidays, so probably the fall…?? Anyway, it had been a while! Possibly I was a bit over-excited for this trip, since I was unduly disappointed that it rained on Thursday and one of my shoes fell apart in the rain (remember when I said the shoes were almost dead? I didn’t) and I had a pretty bad migraine in the night (remember when I said it had been a strangely long streak without them? I didn’t) BUT we visited some nice vineyards, had a lovely drive, stayed at a gorgeous inn, and spent yesterday at the beach in Sandbanks, so it was still an excellent trip.But as perhaps you’ve noticed, these posts are mainly concentrated on things that I find fun or interesting or challenging to write about, so let’s concentrate on the negative for a moment. On Thursday evening at about the nadir of my sorrow, it was raining and we had pretty much given up finding a socially-distanced restaurant patio that wasn’t soggy that was actually nice and settled for diner-burgers, and I was pretty miffed about being dealt this hand. You ordered and then sat to wait for things to be brought. A young server came with my drink. I looked up, smiled, and said thank you, as i was raised to do, and she grunted and stomped off.This was exciting! The surly teenaged service staff is a trope you see often in movies and tv, but you rarely encounter it real life–most teens are actually quite polite to strangers who might tip them, in my experience. Also, in movies and tv and books, you often see a character moving through the world encountering only other character in the exact same mood as she is, like pathetic fallacy but with people, which is dumb in writing but very pleasant in real life–I felt briefly in tune with the universe in my bad mood. It was very satisfying. It was also satisfying to see some resolutely not try at something, since I am always so worried about everything and it’s exhausting. When she returned with the food, instead of setting it on the table, she simply loosened her grip and let it fall! Amazing–I wished I could have filmed it (it was burgers wrapped in paper, so they weren’t harmed–it was just such a jerk move though). I am not going to start doing the my-life equivalent of dumping burgers on people’s tables, but this surely teen was fun to watch in a grim sort of way, and reminded me that being kind is a choice, so if I do it, I choose it. Sometimes I forget that.

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Some of you who follow such things may have seen–and if you didn’t, I’m here to tell you–that Extinction Rebellion Toronto is shutting down in a really miserable and sad way, via a letter on their FB page. I’ve known this was coming for weeks and wasn’t exactly sure if it was a secret or not, so I’ve just been quietly upset and it feels good to have it out in the open now. I hate secrets.I want to speak only for myself here so I’ll say this: I was a member of XRTO for almost exactly a year. It was my first sustained attempt at activism–I invested a lot, and did a lot that scared me, and felt that I made a tiny difference. It was difficult for me, who just wants to get along with everyone, but I found it very meaningful and joyful a lot of the time. This has been a huge loss for me, and a lot of people, I would imagine, to have the organization just eat itself like this.That said, I wasn’t part of the main coordination group that did a lot of the heavy lifting, never saw any of the dark stuff mentioned in the letter, and when things got really ugly at the end, I just quit–I imagine it was a lot harder for many others. Next time–and I do hope there will be a next time for me–I will be more careful about getting involved with a sustainable, organized group with time-tested policies, and careful of how much of my heart (and calendar) I commit.

Day 129: Did you at some point agree to “forsake all others” not realizing that you’d encounter a pandemic with this degree of forsakenness? Have you spoken mainly to your spouse or partner for 129 straight days? Would you like some tips to liven things up? Well, this is not really going to help but here you go:–play the occasional game of Scrabble until the one of you who never wins wins, then never play again–talk about investigating whether the Wii still works so you can play wakeboarding for the first time since 2017, but don’t actually do it–talk about which of your friends and family you’d like to emulate in life while sitting on the couch and eating chips–fight about a picture being askew–fight about which rooms plants go in–fight about which of you has too many shoes–read the same book at the same time so you’ll have something to talk about, discover neither of you really likes the book, and have all conversations degenerate into kvetching. Have this happen twice, then give up.–imagine a life for a dead person had they not died (only fun to do for celebrities; too sad for actual personal connections)–ask each other a lot of concerned questions each time anyone coughs, even if it’s clearly because of dust–step up your pet grooming routines to the point that pets are enraged–brainstorm mealplans despite the fact that one of you doesn’t care, so that it becomes a mealplan monologue–brainstorm rich interior lives for pets–brainstorm rich interior lives for neighbours–brainstorm rich lives for actual rich people as you stroll around their neighbourhoods day after day, peering into their yards, garages, and windows–brainstorm what you would do yourselves if you became rich. Make plans for what would go behind each of those many windows. You can’t be too prepared for this sort of thing.–embrace and then immediate comment on how sweaty the other person is–discuss the latest literary explosions on twitter (note: ideally one would only discuss such things with loved ones, and not ever on actual twitter)–fight about kinds of tofu, and whether they exist.–fight about kinds of laundry detergent.–fight about whether one can buy a nice gift at a Staples–spend some time in separate rooms–agree that you are lucky to have found each other, because who else would put up with all this?

Day 130: So I’ve decided to try out all my makeup to see what is still good, what I still like, etc. Though not, as previously mentioned, wearing it all at once, to expedite the process, I’m doing a complete “look” each day, which I would never do normally except for readings, job interviews, and formal events, so I intimidate myself each time I look in a mirror. I am currently wearing eyeliner, something last seen in public at Karen Maybury‘s wedding, I believe (she married a person, just a person not on facebook). Although I sure do own a lot of eyeliner. Time to purge some? Time to wear it more? Time to just glory in possession?? I have twin urges not to have clutter and not to have waste. I am careful to give away surplus possessions in a useful way–I’ve volunteered at some charities and seen how they can be treated as “guilt-free garbage” (people give things indiscriminately, leaving the volunteers the labour for sorting, cleaning, repairing, and/or discarding) and I try to be very intentional and genuinely generous when I donate, not just happy to be rid of stuff. But there’s little I can do about makeup, since it’s touched my face. I used to be in a “tradesies” club with people I knew well (remember, old friends?), and we would offer each other no longer wanted makeup along with the complete backstory of when and how we’d used it, and try to wipe everything down as much as possible. Honesty, it probably still wasn’t the *best* idea, but I got and gave some nice stuff, and there were no ill effects, as far as I know. Clearly, it’s game over on that sort of practice in pandemic times. So what of my many eyeliners then? Are they destined for the landfill? This is bad. I will have to do better in future but makeup is my big weakness.

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Oh yes, something else to complain about: vertigo! I started suffering from vertigo about 5-6 years ago, mainly on my left side. I think vertigo lives in your ears somehow, so if I’m right about that mine is mainly in my left ear. It happens with a radical change of position, so lying down or sitting/standing up after lying down, or rolling over in bed. Just sitting/standing, or lying still, no problem. As with most conditions I’ve developed over the years, the first incident was the most intense and terrifying–everything spinning in a nauseating way. Since then, I have had other intense vertigo flares (is that a thing? times when I’ve felt it more strongly) but it’s often this very gentle little spinny feeling when I’m lying down to go to sleep at night. Obviously, the intense version is bad and I hate it, but the very gentle version is sort of…nice? Almost like being rocked to sleep. I think I might have had this part of the vertigo all my life because I remember imagining I was spinning spinning spinning when I was a tiny kid trying to fall asleep at night. It just got more intense over time until eventually it became an actual problem.And yes, I have tried all the home remedy half-somersault things and nothing seems to work, and the condition isn’t dire enough to put on the list with all my other medical conditions. 3-4 times a year, stuff spins. I honestly have a suspicion that it’s diet related, but it’s not an exact one-to-one correlation–like, it’s triggered by certain foods, but only if I eat a lot of them and also am tired and not feeling well, you know? So it’s hard to exactly self-police enough to keep it at bay. So I will settle for complaining and feeling sorry for myself. Feel free to very little pity for me, I get it–also, happy to hear other stories of vertigo adventures if you have them!

Day 131: I dreamed last night that I had a bad cough but I went in to work anyway. It was like that dream where you forget you’re taking the course until it’s time for the exam–I forgot there was a pandemic until I had been at work almost the whole day and then all of the sudden I drew up short in horror and shame, realizing I wasn’t supposed to be there, trying to remember who I’d seen, where I’d been. No one had said anything about me coughing, but I figured they were just being polite and were privately furious/terrified. In the dream, it did not occur to me to wonder what I was actually sick with; it was purely a social failure on my part. I do not have a cough and I cannot go to work. I did not sleep well last night.

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PSA: Apparently the word “polenta” means two things: a sort of firm gelatinous cornmeal cake that comes in a tube and some variant on the gritty powdery cornmeal itself that you use to make cornbread out of (or you do if you’re me). If you don’t know this and you can’t pick it up from context clues in the extremely poorly worded and imprecise recipe in the Globe that your husband sent you and then forgot about, you will end up with a sort of Dickensian gruel for dinner and be extremely unhappy.The slight upturn in the story is that I took the rest of the tube, cut it into slices and fried it so we didn’t have to have gruel for dinner, because the extremely poorly worded and imprecise directions on the side of the tube said you could fry it. It was while looking on the internet for some more precise directions that I found out about the two meanings of “polenta” and became enraged. Mark forgot ever sending me the recipe and was surprised by the whole thing, though he claimed to enjoy the fried polenta. It tasted to me like wet greasy cornbread, so in the future I will just make cornbread and it will be better. The Globe piece did come with a good salad recipe so at least that was nice.Commiseration and very precisely worded polenta recipes (that don’t involve a bbq, because I hear that’s common and we don’t have one) being accepted at this time.

Day 132: I have a fab memory for names and faces. Not as good as it used to be when I was younger, and it often doesn’t apply to actual practical things like where is my credit card or which immunizations I’ve had, but if you are a person with a name and a face, chances are I remember you. This is hella creepy if I met you a couple times in the nineties and then we run into each other on the subway and I want to talk about the minute details of your life that I recall. Largely I have learned to just leave it alone in those cases–there’s probably a reason I haven’t spoken to someone in 20 years most of the time. Also I had facial reconstructive surgery in 2007 and no one who hasn’t seen me since then ever recognizes me (also 13 years is a long time, both because you might have forgotten some details and because if so much time has passed, perhaps we weren’t that close in the first place.Anyway, during the pandemic, I think most of us are occasionally having names of old friends pop into our heads and wondering if they are ok. Since i remember everyone, my list is long. Here are some of the people I’ve wondered about:–classmate from 3rd and 4th year university who carried a kitten named Chub-Chub in the hood of his sweatshirt–adorable couple who dated for all 5 years in my high school and then actually got married–whoever owned my cats before we got them–Coach McGurk on tv show Home Movies (note: not a real person, note: a cartoon, note: tv show was cancelled years ago)–old boss who used to wear basketball shirts on casual Fridays such that you could see his nipples–my nursery school teacher who left to have own baby–superintendent who removed dead mouse (rat??) from first apartment–guy I dated immediately before Mark, who didn’t seem that into it but who didn’t seem to have anything else to do–extremely charming and grumpy university TA (oh, I just looked him up–he’s fine according to Rate My Professor)–old neighbour who let me play with his cats–other old neighbour who briefly and ineffectually tried to video-stalk me (at least I think that was what he was doing??)–other old neighbour who sold tires out of his apartment–Women Woman

Day 133: (RR is working at her computer, MS approaches from behind and hugs her)RR: I’m doing an experiment.MS: On what?RR (turns and faces him) On me!MS: You have lipstick on your nose–is that part of the experiment?

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Omg, after months of nowhere to be, I had a dentist appointment on Monday and was pretty stoked. Yesterday they called to confirm and also asked if I happened to be free to fill in a cancellation at 4pm…Friday? I thought Friday. I said sure, as i’m off Friday afternoon. They just called to see where I was, apparently it was for today. I don’t think I’ve ever missed a dentist appointment in my life. They were sort of decent about it, but I feel like a jerk. I also wonder if they are going to send me some sort of no-show bill, there’s often some kind of penalty, isn’t there? I DON’T KNOW THESE THINGS BECAUSE I ALWAYS SHOW UP FOR EVERYTHING!! Pandemic, you are ruining me!Also, now my dentist appointment is on Tuesday and I’m going to be worried about it until then.

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Wow, it is very challenging to book a vacation right now. I mean, I personally always found it challenging to book a vacation, but now especially since I can make a whole plan and then find that it mainly doesn’t work but I can maybe salvage a little bit of it and rethink the rest or is it just better to start over or… Also possibly the whole thing will be terrible and then I will have waste money and vacation time, plus there’s the whole pandemic thing that no I haven’t forgotten about so that’s a risk, but just to go anywhere without jackhammers (they have started on the other side of the building which is surprisingly just as loud) would be a gift so I am willing to try.In order to keep myself organized, I tried putting all our plans into Google Calendar, which I haven’t opened in a good long time and oh, it was very sad to see all our old plans, long since abandoned, still living on, so foolish and naive, in Google Calendar.