February 19th, 2020

Family Day

Every since Dalton McGuinty brought a February holiday to Ontario in 2008 and called in Family Day, I’ve been uncomfortable with it. No one in the past twelve years has listened sympathetically to my discomfort–indeed, some folks seem really irritated and upset that I’m critical of this mid-February holiday–so here we are. Blogs are for working out the weird thoughts.

When I say I don’t like Family Day and people tease me it usually takes the form of 1) but don’t you want a day off work? <b>Rebuttal</b>: Sure, yes, but whether I spend it with my family or not is no one’s business, and yes, as the re-rebuttal would suggest, I can ignore the name, but the name exists–why not just call it civic holiday? The name is there for a reason. What’s the reason? I think I know, and I don’t like it.

2) But don’t you like your family? <b>Rebuttal</b>: Sure, yes, they’re lovely, in-laws too, and I’m happy to spend the day with them, in mid-February or any other time, but that is not the government’s business. Also many people would not or cannot do this, and although, again, the name of the day is not law, it does imply some are doing it right, or some HAVE the right things, and others do not. Aside from “I see you” social media posts, what are we doing for those people? Why not just leave them alone in the first place and not keep instituting holidays to celebrate what many lack? Again, I think I know why, and I don’t like it.

Family is the way our current society moves wealth through time. Fight me. Seriously, prove me wrong, because I would love that. Inherited wealth=feudalism, but it’s also capitalism somehow, unfortunately. And the focus, the neverending, condescending focus on familial love, familial care, at the expense of civic love, civic care (and holidays) leaves out anyone who is not in your bloodline–wealth and care is not necessarily shared in community, it is not shared with people who are a little bit further away from us culturally, whose experiences are harder or different.

Despite the ideas about meritocracy and working our way up, which does happen sometimes, of course, a lot in our lives is determined by what our families can give us–money, of course, stability, the promise of a soft landing if things go wrong, support, care.

There is so much baked into our society that privileges those with family or partners over those without. Marriage was invented as a way to consolidate land holdings. Again, this was in feudal times, but it still applies to Toronto real estate.

My opinion is, enjoy your day off in whatever way your want, with whomever you want. Don’t worry about me or Dalton McGuinty or anything if you don’t want to. But if you DO want to, maybe consider who our cultural norms encourage us to care about, and who they leave out. Are we always being pushed to care about parents, children, and partners, people we are already have a financial stake in, one way or another? Are we encouraged to care about community, strangers, people who look different from us or have different things or not enough things? Maybe not.

Let’s face it, if I go out and buy my nuclear family a “gift”, it’s still in my home, contributing to my net worth (and if it’s a book I can read it later and if it’s candy I can eat some). But if I give a gift to someone I don’t cohabitate with, then it’s really gone–there’s no benefit to me in that book or candy…at all! Family Day strongly encourages us to bolster people who will bolster us–people who live with us or interact with us or have a financial connection to us.

What if we had days in our society where we were encouraged to give to people in a way that forged new connections instead of burnishing the ones that are already valued? What if we actually got involved with the people in our community who need help instead of dropping some boxes of spaghetti in the donation bin? And what if that were the main point of the holiday, instead of an afterthought that you might get to but might forget if things get too hectic?

That would be a holiday that does not currently exist on our statutory calendar because that’s not the way our society functions. And I’m not saying I’m above it–I do love my family and we went bowling on Monday! But I’m saying there’s a reason I’ve been uncomfortable with Family Day for 12 years and I’ve worked on it and here it is.

Family Day is feudalism. This is possibly my most annoying opinion, according to people who talk to me regularly but if I could have shaken it off in 12 years, I swear I would have.